I once believed I was alone on this train. I also believed that Id know my destination. But as the train car moves forward darkness takes over light. But this darkness is all to familiar. The darkness is me. I am the darkness and the light. The balance always in flux. Darkness and light react violently, producing these electric sensations that haunt me. My dark passenger. Is he here to bring balance? Or only chaos?
The darkness within the light.
What is the speed of darkness? Can it surpass light? Darkness is necessary, as is light. One cannot exist without the other, can it? I can feel the darkness within me growing. As darkness consumes me, the light grows ever fainter. Entropy by its very definition. Someone close to me described me as a “happy and upbeat” person. This caught me off guard. Is my happiness just bathed in darkness or is my happiness only a superficial facade? These medications that coddle my psyche are only a cheaply built wall meant to deter the immigrants of darkness that invade my soul. The battle rages perpetually inside my mind. Trapped in a prison of my own design.
Everyday i find myself deep in the forest, where the trees swallow the sun. What little light is left to reach my eyes deceives me. A sea of shadows surround me as i walk blindly towards a destination that is uncertain. Every shadow and every sound causes a cascade of terror that i cannot shake. I walk blindly towards something, or maybe nothing? Am i walking to salvation? Or is there only despair? My body is polarized, fueled by unwanted emotion. As i walk deeper into the forest the light continues to disappear. As i lose sight of the shadows I begin to lose sight of myself. Here in the darkness I don’t know who I am. Am i stumbling through my own psyche to find myself? Or to escape who i used to be? Ive been in this forest for so long Ive lost all sense of direction and of purpose. What have I done to deserve this? Ive forgotten when or how i entered this forest, every direction seems to lead only to more darkness. Where is the light?
The traveller: Detached from the timeline of reality.
Time is relative. That much we all know. But do we all experience the same passage of time? I feel my relationship with time is fluid. It ebbs and flows from day to day, hour to hour, and sometimes minute to minute. I wake up and stare at the clock, begging for those precious tired seconds to tick just a little slower, but to no avail. My day begins and i slowly drift away from the world. My reality is nothing more than a hazy blur who’s interactions only inconvenience my traveling mind. The process of traveling within my mind, much like the light switch on a wall, is instant. Removing myself from the world, coasting on autopilot… Asleep at the wheel… My return to the world is equally rapid, although infinitely more unpleasant. The return to reality leaves me jet lagged, the time that so easily passed moments ago screeches to a proverbial halt. Caught in a moment with no retreat… Frozen in time, trapped in my thoughts. These moments don’t last long. Or do they? If time is relative than maybe these short detours are actually the longest part of my journey? Gravity distorts time, so does my consciousness. In no way do i believe that I literally change time, but i can effect my own perception of time, therefore my subjective timeline is just that, subjective. Im self aware that this detachment is a perception created to cut through the clutter of my existence, healthy? I doubt it. Necessary? Probably not. Effective? Absolutely. Maybe this is the source of my free fall? Maybe this realization puts me just outside the event horizon? If i cross this horizon from which there is no return am I accepting my fate or is it the true path to recovery. A leap of faith is necessary, but I reject faith? My need to rationalize every decision prevents me from taking this leap. Maybe another day… Tomorrow I travel…