Such a simple word. Elegant really. 4 letters, limitless interpretation, infinite possibilities. Ive used the word soul multiple times throughout these ramblings and I’m not sure I know what it means. I don’t believe in heaven or any form of afterlife for that matter. The universe doesn’t need us, it never has. Why would it keep us here after we die? The aether as it was called in pre-relativistic era physics doesn’t contain the essence of what makes us individuals. I recognize my own deficiencies when it comes to understanding the complexity of the soul. To say that there is no god would be ignorant and arrogant. The true burden of intelligence is knowing that the ultimate truth of life is beyond ones comprehension. Herein lies the conundrum. If the answers of my own mortality are beyond my comprehension then how do i make sense of this “soul” that i try so desperately to hide from the universe?
Disassociation: My greatest achievement, My achilles heel.
The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, and if ever there was a straight line between sanity and disillusion I have found the gateway. Disassociation has become as important to my survival as food, shelter and water. Like a stars internal fusion, disassociation fuels my soul, without it the gravity of my despair would cause a cascade of collapse ending with me being compressed into the very black hole of misery that i so desperately want to avoid. Devan Clark is the charade that I play so well. This charade is so well coordinated that even i sometimes forget what is fact and fiction. Always manipulating and plotting to get that next thing that will surely make me complete. Perpetually disappointed when that that next thing only expands the void between what is real and imaginary. My shell of confidence and happiness is a thin veil over the fissures of my soul.
The entirety of our consciousness is contained in a volume of approximately 1400cc’s. 3lbs of neurons supported by 157lbs of flesh and bone. My consciousness trapped inside this inescapable vault. My body haunts my soul. Betrayed by the system so vital to my subsistence. My mind races between thoughts of meaningless consequence. My stomach perpetually twisted. My consciousness electrocuted with paralyzing fear as my body betrays me. Epinephrine floods my psyche and like the waves of the ocean battering the hulls of the ship that is me. It seems ironic that the worst moments of my life are the brief periods of euphoria that i seem to stumble upon maybe once a day. These fleeting moments give me a glimpse into a world of happiness and contentment that sits just outside of my grasp. My mind is trapped in the head of the Iron Giant that is my body, cumbersome and clumsy. My eyes are only windows into a world that does not feel like my own. Im only a passenger on this vessel. The destination that was once important is now trivial. I do not care for the future, the entropic nature of my consciousness extinguishes the flame that lights my path.